Limping

Lately I have been worn out. I feel like I never get a free moment. A lot of it has to do with the Christmas play I just finished directing. It has been much of my life for the past 6 months, and overwhelmingly so the past month. So it's over, and I thought maybe I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel some rest, but I can't and I don't. And I've been trying to figure out why.

I can think of two reasons I feel exhausted. One is that I am doing too much. The other is that I am not leaning and relying on God's strength vs. my own to carry me through.

Since the play, I still haven't stopped going. I have obligations every night this week. I work all day, and then owe my time to other people at night. And please don't get me wrong. My life and the people in it are amazing. I am so very blessed. But I. need. some. downtime.

I talked to my friend Joy tonight on the phone and I told her "I feel like I am limping through each day. And I'm getting by, but I don't feel happy." When the day is over I feel relieved. And when the next day starts I still feel tired and discouraged. But I pick myself up and start again.

But Joy said something to me that kind of woke me up. It was so simple, but I think sometimes the most profound, life-changing stuff is. She goes, "Shari, you know it's not supposed to be like that right?" I was kind of taken back. What? I'm not supposed to feel tired all the time? I'm not supposed to feel like I can't do enough and I am letting everyone down?

I have a huge fear of letting people down. Or of people thinking I am weak or not capable. But I shouldn't. And I shouldn't be afraid to tell people "No, I can't do it. There is too much on my plate right now."

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." -Proverbs 29:25

My God holds me. He's not ashamed of me or disappointed in me. He delights in me. And ultimately his opinion is all that matters. I can lean on him to get me through the days where there is too much to do. And I can listen for his voice telling me I am doing enough, and I need to rest.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." -Psalm 23:1-2

The part that says "He makes me lie down" jumps out at me. I think sometimes God has to almost force us to take a breath and have some downtime. To take a temporary break from the stress of life and not be concerned with whether it looks bad to other people or not. And I am super thankful that God does that for us. He knows how much we can take. He has no desire to overwork us. We are not slaves. We are his sons and daughters.

Last Day in London

My legs fell off day 5 so getting up and walking around day 6 was tough. I got my very first British cinmon bun. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was not very good. It kind of made me want to go home. Just kidding, mostly. Who puts raisins in cinmon buns?? Seriously.

We took a bus to St. Paul’s Cathedral in the morning, which we had tried to visit two other times before but it was closed. It was worth coming back for though. It was really beautiful. There were more signs that said “No Photography” posted everywhere, but I thought that might have actually been a guideline, unlike Westminster Abbey. I was way stealthier about my picture-taking this time and I didn’t get caught. We had to walk up one billion steps to get The Whispering Gallery. It’s this balcony around the inside of the dome that you can stand on one side and whisper against the wall and the person on the other side can hear you. There were a lot of kids around and my dad said he wanted to whisper in a really deep, scary voice against the wall, "Get out of here", but he decided against it. I left my dad there cause he didn’t want to go any further. Then I took another billion stairs to The Stone Gallery that is outside around the dome. Then I took a half a billion steps up to The Golden Gallery that is at the very top of the dome outside. It was an incredible view.

Then my dad had a meeting so I went shopping. I know this is the moment you have all been waiting for so I won’t linger any longer before telling you: I found the pair of black flats I was looking for. I know you are just as relieved as I am. We can go home now. I stopped and ate lunch at a little Italian restaurant. I’m kind of over the pub food.

While I was shopping I saw the British Marko Ledjenac, Timothy Traverse, and Phillip Brock. People in London like to play chicken. They like to walk straight at you and not decide which direction they are going to go in until they get right up to you or until you move. My dad says just keep going straight because they won’t actually walk into you. I don’t believe him.

That evening we saw Les Miserables. I didn’t know the story going into it, but it was so incredible. An awesome story of forgiveness and redemption, and the burden of unforgiveness. It steadily builds until the end. I may or may have cried at the end. The lady behind me was sobbing so hard that she started laughing at herself. So great.

The trip was amazing. I feel so blessed to have been able to go and to spend so much time with my dad :)

Day 4 and 5 - Paris then London again

We got picked up to be taken to the train station at five. forty. five. a. m. I haven't really been sleeping per se. I was going on maybe an hour of sleep. I kind of looked like a zombie most of the day, except I didn't try to eat anyone.

In Paris, I saw the French Kyrie Dibling-Moore, Rachael Byrd, and Bryon Mitchell. Then in England I saw the British Todd Reynolds and Micah Ness. Apparently, everyone had a British or French counterpart.

On the train to France, we met a super nice lady named Sarah. I liked her a lot, mostly because she laughed at all my jokes. Anytime we saw her the rest of the day she smiled and waved like she was super excited to see us.

We went to the Eiffel Tower first (it turns out it is in France, not the UK... go figure...). After that we went on a river cruise on the Seine. There was a little boy sitting in front of us that was super loud and obnoxious. I threw him overboard (I didn't). It may not have been the best long-term decision, but it was definitely the best short-term decision.

I was determined to eat some French pastries of some sort. So I made my dad walk around with me until we found something. I ended up getting a banana crepe... which. was. freaking. amazing.

After that we went to the Louvre. We only had about an hour at that point so we decided to just head to the Mona Lisa, which is conveniently placed at the far end of the museum (I might be exaggerating). Then we paid €1 to go to the bathroom (2 bucks) nbd.

We stopped by a French bread shop where they didn't speak a lick of English. To communicate with them, I started to speak Spanish. That didn't work at all. After we got the bread and sat outside and ate the whole thing, we went back in for more. So good. Then I slept about 2 hours on the train ride back and then around 11 hours that night.

Day 5 in London my dad had a lunch meeting. So I walked to Buckingham Palace to see the changing of the guard. On the way there I walked through St. James Park, where I am 19% sure I saw John Mayer. About halfway through the changing of the guard it started raining really hard and people were really pushy so I left.

Next, I was going to take some shoes back that I had bought a few days earlier that were too small. I thought about not taking them back, so I didn't have to make the trip. But then I thought, if I don't take them back, I will have to live with that decision for the rest of my LIFE. So I started the journey to take them back, which was ridiculous. Probably about half of the underground lines were closed. Then the wind broke my umbrella and I had to toss it over a bridge (in a trash can). I got really soaked. I finally found a line that would take me where I needed to go and I returned the shoes and went back to the room to change.

I have tripped approx 87 times on our trip. In my defense... nevermind... there is no defense.

London - Day Dos y Tres

I missed a pretty crucial part of day one (I know, I know, what am I doing with my LIFE??). We got to see Wicked! It was super amazing. It's a pretty moving play. I didn't cry, but I had something in my eye once or twice. London was super talented. Different from New York, but it was cool because they definitely made the play their own.

Okay, now that we have that taken care of that we can move on to day 2. First thing, we got on a tour bus. It's one that you can take all day and get off and on whenever you want. They give you headphones when you get on to listen to the tour. About 10 minutes into it I changed my dad's headphones to the Japanese tour. He didn't see me do it and to describe the look on his face would not do this story justice so I won't even try.

We went to St. Paul's Cathedral but it was closed for an American Thanksgiving service (???). Whaaaaa???? So we went and drank coffee and ate muffins instead. Not the same thing, but pretty great nonetheless.

I have seen 4 British versions of people I know in America. I have seen a British Adam Reuss, Jane Lloyd, Rachel Wood, and Lisa Fife. I wanted to say hi, but that might have been weird. Especially when I explained to them that they were a doppelganger.

We then went to the Tower of London to learn about all the people that were beheaded (that's not all that happened there, but those were the parts that stuck out to me). Hearing the stories behind them is always really interesting to me. It's like a medieval Jerry Springer. There was a tower where people who were held prisoner had carved stuff in the wall. That blew me away. I was looking at stuff that had been carved 600 years earlier, by people who were about to die.

We spend the evening shopping and hanging out. We walked past one store that was serving champagne at the door, and we decided we definitely couldn't afford that store, so we moved on.

My father gave me the task of finding our way home... and I don't mean to brag, but I did in fact find the way back to the hotel. Only one little snag. Coming out of the underground, I continued with some extreme confidence. So much so, that I proceeded to kick over a homeless woman's jar of change. And when I say kicked it, I mean KICKED it. We were about 3 blocks away from the Thames, but I'm pretty sure some of the change rolled into it. We did, however, help her pick it up. So we stole £20 and gave her £20 almost at the same time. I felt very proud (by proud, I mean embarrassed).

On the final stretch of the trek, we talked bout Neverland, being the second star to the right and all. My dad asked me if I had any pixie dust. We determined, however, that you don't need any pixie dust, you only need pixie sticks and some happy thoughts, which we do, in fact have. (Didn't make it to Neverland. I say that with deep regret.)

Day 3: We walked to Westminster Abbey, which is about 2 blocks from our hotel. When we went in, there were signs everywhere that said "No Photography", but I thought it was just a guideline, like one-way streets. Turns out they take it quite seriously. I took one picture, and was immediately met with a "turn the camera OFF." I adhered, but the picture was so worth it.

Then we went to the National Gallery and looked at paintings. We spent about 20 min. there, which was more than enough. I wish I appreciated historic art more than I do.

We wandered around after that, saying to each other more than 3 times, "do you know where we are?" - "nope." And both being totally comfortable with that answer. This has been the most relaxing, productive trip I have ever been on.

We ate dinner at a super trendy Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I felt very cool and popular eating there, and still very hungry afterwards.

London y Otras Cosas - Arrival and Day Uno

The trip started out being picked up at 4am by Groome transportation. After we shut the door to the car I immediately asked "Are we there yet?" Which apparently is not as funny at 4 in the morning. It was worth a shot.

I tend to panic when people ask me questions. Especially people I don't know. I dunno why. God forbid someone on the street ask me what time it is. So when we sat down in the exit row, a flight attendant came by to make sure I knew how to open it. I looked at the door and did not know how to open it, but nodded my head yes (If you ever see me on the same plane as you in the exit row, you might want to start praying). I must not have looked particularly confident because he asked me to put my hand on the handle I would have to pull if needed. So I did... and I miiiiiight have instinctively started to pull it. Moving on...

When we arrived in London the customs officer asked why I was in London. Suddenly, I couldn't remember anymore. Finally after some stuttering I answered "vacation". "What are you going to see?" he asked. ".............uuuuhhhh........... the Eiffel Tower." Blank stare. "I don't think you are going to have much luck seeing the Eiffel Tower in London." To which I simply replied, "Undo."

Also, there is a Ben and Jerry's vending machine in the lobby. I'm going to come back fat. And so ends our day of travel.

Day 1 started at 9:30am... freakin' 4am in Richmond, which is exactly what it felt like. I didn't feel happy when I woke up. Not even a little bit. That made me feel super ungrateful, but I snapped out of it approx 15 min. later.

In the UK, they drive on the left side of the road, so when you are crossing the street you have to look to the right. I don't think I realized how instinctively we look to the left when crossing. But it is painted on the street at every crossing "Look right." Which leads me to this question: Is the American right and left the same as the British right and left? We may never know.

We did some sight-seeing. We went to Madam Tussaud's wax museum (I expected it to be super lame but it was super not lame. It was lots of fun.) and The London Eye. We got on the London Eye at the perfect time. The sun was starting to go down and the clouds were really pretty. Side note re: the wax museum - I think I expected it to be lame because when I was 18 my dad took me to LA and we went to a wax museum there where it looked like someone had turned the heat up for a few hours. It was horribly awesome. Or awesomely horrible?

People in London are really friendly. For some reason I expected them to be snobby and annoyed with tourists, but that is so not the case. If you even look like you are looking for something, people want to help you. I like to walk down the street and smile at people and have them smile back.

We were looking at some statues and I pointed to one and said "Who is that?" to my dad. He said "That's a naked cherub spitting out water." That wasn't necessarily the statue I was pointing to, but it was pretty funny so I let it go.

Final note for day one: I have been layering on the chapstick all day and my lips are still super chapped. I'm trying not to let it ruin my trip/ LIFE, but it's tough ya know?

Disappointment

I caught myself about a year ago looking at a picture of myself when I was probably 3 and wondering, "If that little girl could see who she would become, who I've been in the past, would she be extremely disappointed?" And I had a mini-breakdown over it. I felt so overwhelmed with shame.

Disappointing my dad is something I can't handle. Maybe because I look up to him so much. For some reason it is different than disappointing my mom (not that that's fun either). It may be because one of my mother's biggest strengths is compassion. It just kind of flows from her in a very visible way. So I never really worry about disappointing her to the point of no return. I thought my dad was disappointed in me for a really long time. Finally, I asked him. He said that couldn't be farther from the truth. That was such a huge relief to me.

I beat myself up big time. I'm harder on myself then anyone else could ever be. I don't really know why, I guess I just expect a lot better from myself. And I think one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome has been a fear that I was a disappointment to God. And most times when I mess up, it takes me a long time to recover emotionally. So I have really had to drill down in my head who God is and what his character is like. He forgives and forgets.

"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." -Psalm 103:10-12

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." -Hebrews 8:12

I don't think as humans we can really comprehend that, because we are not able to do it. We can forgive someone, but we never really forget. When someone hurts us, especially deeply, we never just don't remember it one day. And a lot of times, even if we have forgiven, the pain of the offense is still there.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1-2) The Bible says it so clearly. Its not written in poetry or tucked deep down where its hard to see and understand. It's plain as day. And I think its that way for a reason. God knows how easily we can sink into our shame and stay there, paralyzed, unable to grow and unable to move. But shame doesn't do anyone any good. It doesn't heal anyone. It doesn't help compensate for the wrongs done.

I read in a book by Erwin Lutzer that said the more you mature in your relationship with Christ, the less time it takes for you to come to him when you've made a mistake, and the easier it is for you to accept that forgiveness that he gives instantly. It's such a freeing thing when you allow yourself to participate in the benefits of belonging to Christ. It's life-changing. And I have decided I will not live in the shame of my past. I will not even live in the shame of the mistakes I make today. I will pick myself up and run to the arms of Jesus where I find hope and restoration. And he isn't disappointed in me. He told me :)

My New Sweet Saying (You have my permission to use it)

Last night I had this dream that I made up a really cool saying. It became super popular and everyone started using it. So naturally, when I woke up this morning, I was pumped and expected to go into work using the saying and it spreading like wild fire (a safe one that doesn't hurt anybody). Only one problem. When I woke up the saying made waaaaaaaay (8 times) less sense. Okay, it made no sense at all. Now that I have said all that, I don't even want to tell you the saying, because at this point its just embarrassing. But for the sake of this (newly created) blog, I feel like I must.

Okay ready? Let me preface this by saying what was going on in my dream (not that it was interesting or causes it make any more sense). I was talking to a friend about how I was feeling really crappy (sore throat, stuffy nose, the works). And I was trying to communicate that I was too busy and did not have time to get sick. So sarcastically I said (ready????): "No thanks. Please pass the symptoms through a straw." Yes????? NO! Not at all Shari, go back to sleep.