Limping

Lately I have been worn out. I feel like I never get a free moment. A lot of it has to do with the Christmas play I just finished directing. It has been much of my life for the past 6 months, and overwhelmingly so the past month. So it's over, and I thought maybe I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel some rest, but I can't and I don't. And I've been trying to figure out why.

I can think of two reasons I feel exhausted. One is that I am doing too much. The other is that I am not leaning and relying on God's strength vs. my own to carry me through.

Since the play, I still haven't stopped going. I have obligations every night this week. I work all day, and then owe my time to other people at night. And please don't get me wrong. My life and the people in it are amazing. I am so very blessed. But I. need. some. downtime.

I talked to my friend Joy tonight on the phone and I told her "I feel like I am limping through each day. And I'm getting by, but I don't feel happy." When the day is over I feel relieved. And when the next day starts I still feel tired and discouraged. But I pick myself up and start again.

But Joy said something to me that kind of woke me up. It was so simple, but I think sometimes the most profound, life-changing stuff is. She goes, "Shari, you know it's not supposed to be like that right?" I was kind of taken back. What? I'm not supposed to feel tired all the time? I'm not supposed to feel like I can't do enough and I am letting everyone down?

I have a huge fear of letting people down. Or of people thinking I am weak or not capable. But I shouldn't. And I shouldn't be afraid to tell people "No, I can't do it. There is too much on my plate right now."

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." -Proverbs 29:25

My God holds me. He's not ashamed of me or disappointed in me. He delights in me. And ultimately his opinion is all that matters. I can lean on him to get me through the days where there is too much to do. And I can listen for his voice telling me I am doing enough, and I need to rest.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." -Psalm 23:1-2

The part that says "He makes me lie down" jumps out at me. I think sometimes God has to almost force us to take a breath and have some downtime. To take a temporary break from the stress of life and not be concerned with whether it looks bad to other people or not. And I am super thankful that God does that for us. He knows how much we can take. He has no desire to overwork us. We are not slaves. We are his sons and daughters.