Limping

Lately I have been worn out. I feel like I never get a free moment. A lot of it has to do with the Christmas play I just finished directing. It has been much of my life for the past 6 months, and overwhelmingly so the past month. So it's over, and I thought maybe I could breathe a sigh of relief and feel some rest, but I can't and I don't. And I've been trying to figure out why.

I can think of two reasons I feel exhausted. One is that I am doing too much. The other is that I am not leaning and relying on God's strength vs. my own to carry me through.

Since the play, I still haven't stopped going. I have obligations every night this week. I work all day, and then owe my time to other people at night. And please don't get me wrong. My life and the people in it are amazing. I am so very blessed. But I. need. some. downtime.

I talked to my friend Joy tonight on the phone and I told her "I feel like I am limping through each day. And I'm getting by, but I don't feel happy." When the day is over I feel relieved. And when the next day starts I still feel tired and discouraged. But I pick myself up and start again.

But Joy said something to me that kind of woke me up. It was so simple, but I think sometimes the most profound, life-changing stuff is. She goes, "Shari, you know it's not supposed to be like that right?" I was kind of taken back. What? I'm not supposed to feel tired all the time? I'm not supposed to feel like I can't do enough and I am letting everyone down?

I have a huge fear of letting people down. Or of people thinking I am weak or not capable. But I shouldn't. And I shouldn't be afraid to tell people "No, I can't do it. There is too much on my plate right now."

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." -Proverbs 29:25

My God holds me. He's not ashamed of me or disappointed in me. He delights in me. And ultimately his opinion is all that matters. I can lean on him to get me through the days where there is too much to do. And I can listen for his voice telling me I am doing enough, and I need to rest.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." -Psalm 23:1-2

The part that says "He makes me lie down" jumps out at me. I think sometimes God has to almost force us to take a breath and have some downtime. To take a temporary break from the stress of life and not be concerned with whether it looks bad to other people or not. And I am super thankful that God does that for us. He knows how much we can take. He has no desire to overwork us. We are not slaves. We are his sons and daughters.

Last Day in London

My legs fell off day 5 so getting up and walking around day 6 was tough. I got my very first British cinmon bun. On a scale of 1 to 10, it was not very good. It kind of made me want to go home. Just kidding, mostly. Who puts raisins in cinmon buns?? Seriously.

We took a bus to St. Paul’s Cathedral in the morning, which we had tried to visit two other times before but it was closed. It was worth coming back for though. It was really beautiful. There were more signs that said “No Photography” posted everywhere, but I thought that might have actually been a guideline, unlike Westminster Abbey. I was way stealthier about my picture-taking this time and I didn’t get caught. We had to walk up one billion steps to get The Whispering Gallery. It’s this balcony around the inside of the dome that you can stand on one side and whisper against the wall and the person on the other side can hear you. There were a lot of kids around and my dad said he wanted to whisper in a really deep, scary voice against the wall, "Get out of here", but he decided against it. I left my dad there cause he didn’t want to go any further. Then I took another billion stairs to The Stone Gallery that is outside around the dome. Then I took a half a billion steps up to The Golden Gallery that is at the very top of the dome outside. It was an incredible view.

Then my dad had a meeting so I went shopping. I know this is the moment you have all been waiting for so I won’t linger any longer before telling you: I found the pair of black flats I was looking for. I know you are just as relieved as I am. We can go home now. I stopped and ate lunch at a little Italian restaurant. I’m kind of over the pub food.

While I was shopping I saw the British Marko Ledjenac, Timothy Traverse, and Phillip Brock. People in London like to play chicken. They like to walk straight at you and not decide which direction they are going to go in until they get right up to you or until you move. My dad says just keep going straight because they won’t actually walk into you. I don’t believe him.

That evening we saw Les Miserables. I didn’t know the story going into it, but it was so incredible. An awesome story of forgiveness and redemption, and the burden of unforgiveness. It steadily builds until the end. I may or may have cried at the end. The lady behind me was sobbing so hard that she started laughing at herself. So great.

The trip was amazing. I feel so blessed to have been able to go and to spend so much time with my dad :)