Disappointment

I caught myself about a year ago looking at a picture of myself when I was probably 3 and wondering, "If that little girl could see who she would become, who I've been in the past, would she be extremely disappointed?" And I had a mini-breakdown over it. I felt so overwhelmed with shame.

Disappointing my dad is something I can't handle. Maybe because I look up to him so much. For some reason it is different than disappointing my mom (not that that's fun either). It may be because one of my mother's biggest strengths is compassion. It just kind of flows from her in a very visible way. So I never really worry about disappointing her to the point of no return. I thought my dad was disappointed in me for a really long time. Finally, I asked him. He said that couldn't be farther from the truth. That was such a huge relief to me.

I beat myself up big time. I'm harder on myself then anyone else could ever be. I don't really know why, I guess I just expect a lot better from myself. And I think one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome has been a fear that I was a disappointment to God. And most times when I mess up, it takes me a long time to recover emotionally. So I have really had to drill down in my head who God is and what his character is like. He forgives and forgets.

"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." -Psalm 103:10-12

"For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." -Hebrews 8:12

I don't think as humans we can really comprehend that, because we are not able to do it. We can forgive someone, but we never really forget. When someone hurts us, especially deeply, we never just don't remember it one day. And a lot of times, even if we have forgiven, the pain of the offense is still there.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." (Romans 8:1-2) The Bible says it so clearly. Its not written in poetry or tucked deep down where its hard to see and understand. It's plain as day. And I think its that way for a reason. God knows how easily we can sink into our shame and stay there, paralyzed, unable to grow and unable to move. But shame doesn't do anyone any good. It doesn't heal anyone. It doesn't help compensate for the wrongs done.

I read in a book by Erwin Lutzer that said the more you mature in your relationship with Christ, the less time it takes for you to come to him when you've made a mistake, and the easier it is for you to accept that forgiveness that he gives instantly. It's such a freeing thing when you allow yourself to participate in the benefits of belonging to Christ. It's life-changing. And I have decided I will not live in the shame of my past. I will not even live in the shame of the mistakes I make today. I will pick myself up and run to the arms of Jesus where I find hope and restoration. And he isn't disappointed in me. He told me :)